As far as I knew, God was the creator of all things great and beautiful, all things big and small, and in my limited understanding of the world, everything small and big was great and beautiful like its creator.
Every storybook, every nursery rhyme, every children’s game, and every bedtime prayer taught me about how great and caring this God of mine was. I was in love with my God. I never wanted to make Him angry. I surrendered to all that was good about my God because I was a child, and that’s the closest I ever came to being like my God.
I had no reason to doubt my teachers, the priest, or my parents. My world was secure and happy,
…until I crossed over to the other side when I went to high school.
For the first time in my tethered life, I was introduced to my first philosophy class. Little by little, I started to feel smarter than the creator of all things; so smart that I started to question and test my God.
What kind of God
- lets children starve?
- lets people get sick and die?
- lets bad things happen to good people?
The innocent faith of the child that lived in me was confronted with questions too large for the minds of my God-fearing parents to understand.
They prayed for me.
They prayed over me.
But their praying could not exorcise the questions that continued to plague me.
Enraged, disillusioned, and so full of myself, I felt I had been lied to by all the adults, especially my parents and the priest, and it was this feeling that made me come to decide I didn’t need anything from this God.
One year during Easter break, I wrote a Dear John letter to God.
In my letter, I told God.
- how disappointed I was at learning that all these years, I had been misled into believing that everything was the way it obviously wasn’t.
- how foolish I felt for letting others paint me an image of Him that was so incredulously false.
- how embarrassed I felt at the thought that I must have appeared needy to others that they had to fill my head with fantastic stories about Him.
I also told Him that as soon as I was done completing the letter, I would burn every poem, every song I had written to Him over the years. And that as best as I could, I was going to try to forget every poem, every song, every prayer I ever memorized about Him.
As far as I was concerned, I was done needing Him for all things, big and small, in my life.
To end in a positive tone, I told Him not to worry about me, that now that I was so well-read, I would stop living in the clouds; that from this moment forward, I was planting my feet firmly on the ground, following my own path that I had already decided on. (This last part was untrue, but I didn’t want God to think that He was in control of me anymore.).
I ended the letter, not yours anymore, and signed my name.
Pumped up with arrogance, in a season when Christians were preparing for another Lenten Season, I tested God; I told Him how I felt. I was done with God.
Have you ever felt this way about God? What did you do about it?
I wondered how people my age in other countries dealt with this kind of shakeup. There I was, feeling above everyone and everything but with no way of knowing how to go about it properly.
…and then the first Christmas came
In my hometown, December was a time for celebrations of every kind. It was, after all, a collective exodus from the old year to the new. The celebration made sense to me. I participated in the Christmas celebrations but ardently removed my heart from the religious meaning of the season. I managed alright.
Next, the first Lent and Easter came. That year I celebrated as well, but sadness overwhelmed me. I felt restless and alone. I looked stern on the outside, but inside I crumbled. Secretly I started to pray, not for myself but for the Man whose death Christians observed during that time.
I kept it up for a couple of years, not thinking, ever, that I was two-faced. Shucks, you adapt. That’s what I did.
Eh? You see a conflict in that.
How weak, you say.
Wait, there’s more…
Something was amiss
I wanted so much to stand my ground, to show maturity and understanding of the meaning of life, but no matter what I did or where I was, I always felt something was missing from my life. The times when I was honest with myself, I felt pain, not in any particular place on my physical body, but pain somewhere else. I also felt as though I was always hungry. It was weird.
I sensed in my gut there was some cosmic order to things but try as I did, I couldn’t figure out how anything applied to me and my life. It would have served me well to talk to someone about what I was feeling, but I didn’t want anyone to know that I didn’t know how to live my own life.
I read philosophy books on different religions and teachings. My books introduced me to the different ways other religions referred to God. Slowly I came to understand the way others understood their God. Slowly, I realized that the God everyone spoke of was the same God I had known as a child.
I wavered none when I realized this important lesson. Finally, I felt I was ready to renew my personal relationship with the God I’d known of through my parents, teachers, priests, and books.
The God I know is ALL LOVING.
The state of our world has nothing to do with the hand of God. Rather it’s a direct consequence of the absence of the presence of God in our lives. I now know that God IS the protector of children, not the purveyor of starvation. He IS the healer of the sick, not the cause of it. My perception of God has changed.
“One of the biggest paradoxes of your physical senses is that your eyes actually show you what you believe, not what you see.” ~ Mike Dooley.
I broke down and cried. I fell to my knees, and I began to pray: “Um, God. It’s me. I miss you,” was all I said. And at that moment, I felt a load lift from my shoulders, literally.
But as I was getting ready to get up, I heard a voice. “Now that you’re down on your knees stay there.”
I prayed some more. And before I knew it, I had renewed my personal relationship with God.
Today I commit to surrendering my grievance-ridden test pattern.
I claim my true self as LOVE.
Now, I’m not afraid to seek help and truth without the arrogance that ruled me that Easter long ago. I turn to my books and the Holy Spirit (another name for God) because only He knows how to help me to see luminosity, beauty, and joy in the ordinary.
Today, I have accepted God into my life again– not in a purely religious way, but more psychologically, no longer feeling insulted or embarrassed.
The pain I felt before, I found a name for it– it was emotional pain. I also found the ingredient I needed– the awareness of love’s presence, and the place it fills is my soul.
This is my testimonial. Did something similar happen to you ever? I’d love to hear your story.
‘I wrote a Dear John Letter to God,’ was first published on Medium.
Photo Credits Image 1 by press 👍 and ⭐ from Pixabay
Image 2 by lisa runnels from Pixabay
Image 3 by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Thanks for reading, and if you celebrate Easter, Happy Easter.
I Wish You Miracles.
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My journey is kind of similar-yet, my understanding of “god” is through Mother nature etc. And my dissallusionment started about 22 -42 years ago… bit by bit.
Mother Nature has the answers we need. So, I’d say you’re on the right path. Stay on. I’m cheering you on. Blessings.
I’ve always believed in God, his Son, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit but have struggled with tough questions and doubts in difficult times. I agree with your statement here:
“The God I know is ALL LOVING.The state of our world has nothing to do with the hand of God. Rather it’s a direct consequence of the absence of the presence of God in our lives. I now know that God IS the protector of children, not the purveyor of starvation. He IS the healer of the sick, not the cause of it.”
Our pride and rebellion is why we lose connection with God but He wants a relationship with us!
Oh yes, I believe. There’s a power greater than am. It’s the wind beneath my wings. Happy Easter, Lynn Dear. I blessyou.
Dearest, what a beautifully written journey. I have wavered a bit over the years (the deaths of 2 of my children), but God continues to live within me ….. I am a live because I am still a part of his plan. NOT my plans, but HIS plan! May you have a blessed day! <3
I am indeed bless and I thank you for taking the time to first, read and then comment on this long piece. Thank you. Your words make me happy I shared here. I appreciate you. Stay sweet. Happy Easter and I wish you miracles. xo
What an amazing and insightful post Selma..happy Easter to you..
Im so glad you read this long one and felt like commenting. It fills me with joy. Thank you, dear Mich. I bless you. Happy Easter to you too.
Your welcome Selma..twas a pleasure ❤
I can identify with this soul-searching, Selma! I don’t think faith that is never tested is worth too much…Happy Easter to you! 🐣 💛
It was a long one. I appreciate you reading it and commenting. Happy Easter to you, dear friend. Let’s not get stuck on the cross. The resurrection is what matters. I bless you. xoxo
And we must stop trying to crucify ourselves!
I love your journey of how you renewed your faith in God, guess we as a Christian are tested at some point in our life’s. Even I had a time where I questioned God and I couldn’t even pray, I simply broke down and cried then I talk to one Reverend who came to visit our Church that time, I told him of how God was unfair, I cried and said I don’t understand His plans that was when he showed me the Bible passage “Psalm103:2 Bless the Lord my soul and forget not all His benefits”. I was too focus on the bad things that happened in life I forgot to count my blessings and since that day I’ve been counting my endless blessings from God. Happy Easter, wishing you love, joy and peace. 💖
Bless you, Daphny. The guidance you received is valuable. It clears the mist from in front of our eyes and teaches us lessons we don’t see when we’re just too angry.
So happy you are on the right path now, too. Stay strong.
Bless you. I wish you more miracles. xoxo
It is indeed very valuable and anger do cloud our judgements, I am glad to be on the right path. Thank you Selma, I wish you miracles as well. xoxo
Selma, thank you for sharing this. Your writing answers the questions that most of us God-fearing and God-loving people carry in our hearts. We love Him so much and then on day, we wonder if He even exists- if it’s all a hype. I’ve been there and like you, I’ve found my way back. But I’m sharing your post with my girls today because I know they too may come to such a crossroad in their lives someday and that day, this post might help them. Thank you again for sharing this. Love it!
That, Smitha, is the highest reward any of us can ask for: that our words be shared with the younger generation. Thanks so much for that. And yes, we love Him so much. He wants us to come to Him willingly for when we do (willingly) we are worth much more for the next generation, who, by the way, We cannot ‘save’ from everything, but for the wisdom we pass on.
Bless you and your girls. Happy Easter. xoxo
Thank you dear Selma, for the blessings. Its precious. You’re right, ‘we cannot save the next generation from everything’ but we can provide them with a compass to guide them through. Your post is that- I loved the clarity, the honesty with which it was written. Thank you for it. Much love to you.
I can identify with a lot of this
Such a pleasure to hear, My sweet. Stay strong. I bless you.
Happy Easter to you my dear Selma.. May God bless you always 🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️
Aww. And May God bless you too. Hope you had a good and happy Easter. I bless you. xoxo
I’ve never not believed God personal. Of course amidst my teen years I looked the other way, knowing he was upset that I wandered. Then when marriage soured I turned to face him with vengeance, swearing and carrying on. I still sensed he waited, as if he intended it all. Finally, 9 years ago at 59 years old he took me through a blacked-out drunk, near-death experience that began the closeness-in-Christ I’d always wondered at. “Walking in the light of Christ,” step after step in the everyday world IS personal relationship with God. ‘Behold, he’s right here and now.’
It’s true what you say. He’s right here. I know. I feel. And when I feel I see Him too.
Thanks for your lovely response and for sharing some of your story.
I saw you had a leg injury. Hope all’s better now. Sending healing graces.
. Stay in the light, Arnold. I bless you.
Thanks Selma, I was inspired by your essay to share. Life’s a trek, and I’m finally walking with him. I pray we learn to agree with the debris he scatters along the way.