I used to cringe at the mention of middle age, thinking of it as a synonym for the
turning point ushering in death. In that frame of mind, I tried hard to hold on to the
part of me that venerated the younger me.
How was it for you? For me, my eyes were set on my parents.
I used to cringe at witnessing how my parents behaved too old. There they were,
full-grown adults, and they spent too much time staying indoors.
I’d see them mulling over what events to go to, and I’d think – go to them all. You
don’t need permission.
I’d return from an event and find them contentedly watching something on the black
and white TV set or dancing to music (probably on parallel keys) on an old record
player. At home!
And when I’d find them at Capri– the big hall where all events took place in my
town– I’d hide. I didn’t want to see them slowly dancing to a song everyone else
was crazy-dancing to. I thought my parents were so far gone that they’d lost touch
with rhythm. It was embarrassing!
Turns out I was wrong. They were doing things their own way. The best way!
Change finds us
The Greek philosopher Heraclitus is revered for saying that Change is the only Constant. It’s documented that he said this 500 years before Jesus Christ. Now,
how long ago is that?
It doesn’t matter. What’s important here is that Heraclitus’ words inspired other
philosophers of the time and that the wise words continue to resonate and are still
relevant today.
Change is indeed the only constant. And we, the baby boomers, the cohorts that follow
my parents’ Silent Generation, are getting older. It happens. Older and still here. So
let’s grove to the tune of parallel keys!
Middle-of-life change/midlife crisis– that’s the change we’re talking about here.
An unknown great
Elliott Jaques, an unknown Canadian psychoanalyst and organizational consultant
coined the term “midlife crisis.” He was 48 years old at the time– the ripe age when
we are said to be in the middle of our crises.
As for Mr. Jaques– the perfect specimen– his age deserves the mention as by the time
he’d brazenly coined that term, he’d already achieved many great things in his life.
About midlife, he wrote, “During this period, we come face-to-face with our limitations,
our restricted possibilities, and our mortality.”
So you see, my parents were behaving as was expected. But in their own way, they were
stretching their own limitations. They were living it up. Bless their hearts.
Elliott Jaques walked the talk. And he did it his own way as well. So great was this
man’s life that Harvard Business Review said this about him:
“Elliott Jaques lived twice.” ~ Harvard Business Review
This great man created and contributed concepts and theories and original ideas for
which he is most famous. And what’s more, he did all this in his late seventies and early
eighties.
A good point to touch upon as this informs us that while the midlife phase is said to be
a time for facing limitations, restricted possibilities, and mortality, coming face-to-face
with this fact is not reason enough to stunt personal growth. Elliott Jaques’ two lives
are proof of this.
Yes, we are not Elliot Jaques, but if we’re to gain anything from talking about his life,
we should note that the limitations in this age bracket are restricting only if you think
that to be so.
And if my parents in a developing country can stretch things to suit themselves and
their own limitations, what is stopping the rest of us? Think about that.
Heraclitus
Again, I mention the Greek philosopher as it was Heraclitus, who said that Character is
Destiny. Another great quote that still resonates. This one suggests that we are the
architects of the lives we live. We get to decide how much of our efforts we invest in
things. It’s about creating a healthy mindset. Like Elliot Jaques did. Like my parents did.
Roughly, the ages from 43 to 62 are considered the midlife years. Do you know any
middle-agers right now? Are they good role models?
Are you in or around your late forties? Or older? If so, how are you attending to the
changes you’re experiencing? Are you being a good role model?
Aging and changing are phenomena we’re exposed to daily. One that excludes no one.
It’s part of our human-ness. No matter how much we try to prolong youth or keep
midlife at bay, we just cannot escape the reality of midlife.
Just as one day dies to give
birth to a brand new one,
we die every day in order for
something to be born the next.
It is not true that midlife sneaks up on you. And it’s in everyone’s best interest to read
up on this and somehow prepare for the change. It’s nothing to fear, and if you let it,
you’ll have the added benefit of the wonderful spiritual change that comes with middle
age.
The transition brought forth with puberty, which takes us from childhood to adulthood,
the one that takes us from being single to being a couple; sometimes forming families,
these are changes that are looked at with encouragement and glee in every culture.
But to talk positively of that middle-aged change– that hardly happens. It’s as if
everyone pretends they could stall its arrival by not talking about it.
I want to change that.
Elliot Jaques’ story is empowering. My parents’ story too. It has helped me to shift the
way I try to explain middle age. These have been the best conscientious decision I’ve
made:
- Dare to examine assumptions
- Observe others’ openness about the change
- Embrace the positive even in unknown territory as midlife change
- Allow the change to lead
Mere days away from sixty, with only a tiny fraction of the education Jaques had
accomplished at age forty-eight, I’ve come to embrace my change. No, I didn’t know
of him before my change started, so he was not someone I modeled my mindset from.
My models were my parents.
They were not anything like Jaques, but they emulated tranquility and acceptance. I
value those qualities; I mirrored them. The memory of them.
So, blessed with what I possess– the biggest of which is my positive mindset– before I
knew it, I started viewing the change as a magical turning point toward life. Allowing
the change to lead me.
A magical turning point toward life!
But wait, to that ‘allow it to lead,’ I need to clarify something: to lead, not in a
perfunctory way, but ‘allowing’ as when we allow ourselves the power of letting our
imagination soar. Like being in the vortex. Here again, this is something anyone can
achieve in their own lives.
While at puberty, most of us hadn’t
yet found ourselves and lived
through each day with an abundance
of energy– which, ironically, we had
no clue what to do with– when this
second puberty-of-sorts comes,
hopefully, most of us have found
ourselves.
By this time, it’s safe to say we’ve
experienced failures and successes,
and hopefully, these failures would
have taught us something like this:
- a thing or two about being humble
- a thing or two about facing life with
some purity - a thing or two about when to raise a
knowing eyebrow
Perhaps now, most of us have less
energy, but we certainly have a
better understanding of how
precious each and every minute of
the day is. And we’ve finally learned
to listen.
The midlife years– remain a very difficult period of acceptance and discovery. But one
for which people are ill-prepared. There are limitations. Yes. That is a given. But don’t
all phases come with limitations? Yes, they do! It’s up to you to stretch them.
Allow the change to lead.
If seen in this light, midlife becomes a time of rebirth, a time to accept life.
We, the baby boomers, are getting older. It happens. Older and still here. So let’s
continue humming our tune and dancing to that sacred rhythm we hear if we shut
out the other noise.
We can certainly anticipate a second life like Mr. Jaques’. A second career even. So if you haven’t already, begin to accept this change.
Self-actualization is a work in progress. It does not extinguish itself with the addition of age.
And after acceptance, allow yourself to listen to your inner voice. It knows. Need I say more?
I have no more to say– except,
Thank you for reading,
and happy becoming.
#iWishYouMiracles
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I believe in living my life according to my ease. Why exert myself and do things others expect of me.
Oh, yes, ease. It’s our life after all. You go girl. xoxo Thanks for the comment.
My pleasure dear friend
I never had a problem with middle age. My only problem with old age is the disintegration of my body, and the fear of the disintegration of my mind. (K)
I’m no expert at this, but I believe you’re doing so much to ensure no part of you disintegrates. The arts is a great giver of life. I think. Be well, dear, K. I bless you. xoxo
Thanks Selma. I hope so.
Middle age is where it’s at!! 😄 Enjoyed the quotes in your post, I do believe change is part of this existence and we are meant to evolve throughout our journey here. 💓Here’s to middle age and living it up before old age! haha! 🥂
here, here, dear Tricia
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Thanks for commenting on this one too. You’re the best. I bless you xoxo
💓
Ever becoming …. what a miracle! Many more to you, Selma, along the way.
~ Dora
Thanks so much, Dora dear. I wish you miracles.
So glad you are embracing the change, Selma! I’m 40, which I’ve had no problem embracing. Then I got put into menopause for medical reasons, and I feel like that has added another 10 years in terms of how tired I feel a lot of the time! But I appreciate the quietness and the feeling of becoming more and more in tune with my body 🙏
Listen to your body, dear Ingrid. It knows… embrace all of you. Thanks for the visit and comment. All the best.
(when you’re tired, rest! Please)
Its not easy but pertinent to accept the changes that come with age-physical, emotional and spiritual. I had penned something about embracing change too. Sharing it here. https://poemsbyshalini.blog/2022/01/27/embracing-change/
A poem. I see, read it. Thanks. Blessings to you. And so appreciative for the comment. I wish you miracles.
I see aging as a gift. I have had more time to do what I want and to spend that time with the people I cherish. Granted during Covid my circle was limited. But I have expanded in a few ways. One of them has been to connect with people all over the world through blogging.
While I am not a Jekyll & Hyde situation – When I blog and share my writing, I can be that part of me that isn’t always visible outside of blogging. I am very much enjoying where I am now. Escpecially with my Hubby also retired. We have seperate interests, but some things we can do together (like old folks bowling – different teams).
I still have a ‘young’ face. Part of my heritage. But I don’t color my hair, so maybe one day I’ll wake up and it will all be the same color again… (silver or white). Here’s to accepting change and the presents it gifts us.
Fantastic, Jules. I dig your style.
I’ve never dyed my hair. Started showing grays in my teens… I’m practically white right now. Blessing to you. Keep living it up.
Life is indeed what we make of it.
Stay healthy and blessed!
As I approach the age of 67, I seem to be a little more active than many of my peers. Yet, since retirement, my inner introvert loves staying home and using my energy for things I love. I love the image of your parents dancing to music on an old record player. At home!
Use that energy for what makes your heart sing. Best of the best. Yes.
My parents knew something I wouldn’t have understood– now I do. And yes, isn’t that a lovely image?
They were out and then they were in. Like us… and IN is good. Blessings. Don’t miss the Hunter’s Moon, please.
It’s energizing… Blessings to you. xoxo
I’ve been watching the moon a bit. Thanks for the tip.
Selma, this post is so wise. It resonates with me. I’m 71, and everyday I feel I am a new person because I live with joy. It was so sad when my dad retired and he couldn’t find happiness because his identity was wrapped up with his job. Mom went to the dark place with him. It’s like they retired from their kids at times. They were lost. I was and am determined to keep growing as I age. And take better care of myself than they did (but they were depressed and not functional, I felt).
So sad about your parents, dear Barbara. But now that you know better, I’m sure you’ll do better, so in a way that lesson was useful. Keep doing what you doing, dear friend. I bless you. One more week to go towards launch— countdown! So proud of you. All the best. Sincerely, Selma.
This is very enlightening, Selma. Excellently done. So much information, and captivatingly so.
My next poetry book is rooted in psychi and spiritualism. We should schedule a conversation in one year this October, when I have it ready for editing.😁
So pleased with this comment, Jude. Yes, we can work something out. All the best to you in all your endeavors, keep growing and becoming, dear Jude. I wish you miracles. xoxo (don’t miss the moon– full on Sunday, but tonight it’s exploding already. I had the privilege of checking it out already. Wow. Blessings.
I did see the moon yesterday. So bright we didn’t even need the security lights.
This is such a lovely post, Selma. I love your attitude about getting older or, at least, to middle age. That said, I’m now 65, but despite my troubles at the moment, I don’t feel anywhere near my age (certainly not out of the middle-aged bracket yet internally, and I’ve been told I don’t look my age, either.) I wasn’t keen to be 65 this year, but one big bonus is that I get my pension next September, which will help to improve my standard of living with a bit of luck. I love the memory of your parents dancing to the music on their record player. I had one of those in my bedroom as I was growing up. They were great. Unfortunately, I missed the view of the moon; it was very cloudy that night where I am. When is your special birthday, Selma? I wish you a wonderful day when it comes, or hope that you had a brilliant day if the time has passed. Love to you Xx 🎉💛🎈
Glad you read and enjoyed it. Hope all works out.
It was a glorious moon we had on the 8th. Not a cloud in the sky!! On the 9th, the actual full moon — couldn’t tell— rain and heavy clouds. So we missed it too, but the day before and these after have been majestic. Love the moon.
Be well, my sweet. Bless you.